December 14, 2012

Huffin Out With Terrible and Ari

Every once in awhile, Josh the Terrible and Ari Lynn will call their rambling, unapologetic, older buddy, Huff,  for some much needed avuncular words of wisdom.  In his own day, Huff ran several successful entertainment businesses and was intricately involved in the so-called sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s. From time to time though, from the endless amounts of drugs that Huff has consumed over his life, he forgets who Josh the Terrible and Ari Lynn are. Hell, sometimes Huff doesn’t even know who he is.

audio-iconClick here for the audio interview of Josh the Terrible and Ari Lynn chatting with The Huff!

HUFF: Hey, you’ve reached the Huff. What can I do for ya?

ARI: Hey, Huff, we’ve got some questions for ya. What’s up, Huff?

HUFF: You got some questions for me? Who is this?

ARI: This is—

HUFF: Who’s got questions for me?

ARI: This is Playaboy Magazine, and we’ve got…

HUFF: Playaboy Magazine, that seems to have an unnerving ring of familiarity to it.  I’ve heard of you guys, I’ve heard of you guys. I’ve got ears, I’ve got senses, I’ve got eyes all over the place.

ARI: Yeah, we thought since—we look up to you, man—you know you’re like the Godfather of lifestyle magazines, and we thought that you might be able to give us some advice, some pointers to what we can do in this cold and lonely world to put together a good show. What do you think, Huff?

HUFF: Hmmmm…that’s an interesting proposition, but I think I may be able to help you with it.  It’s been a long time since anyone’s come to the Huff for advice, but lay it on me, kid, what do you fuckin’ want, I’m a busy man.

ARI: Well, how did you build your empire? I mean you got like mansions all over the world. You got like—

JOSH: Bitches for days!

ARI: Bitches for days! Cars, jets… How did you do it?

HUFF: First of all, kiddo, I don’t have bitches, alright. I’ve got bunnies. I’ve got wives. I’ve got women. I’ve got goddesses. I ain’t got no bitches.  And let me tell you another thing. You kids have it so easy today. When I was a kid, we didn’t have GHB or DMT or MDMA or PTSD or any of that shit. I don’t even have a GPS for fucks sake.  And how I did it? One simple word, I’ll tell ya—Class.

ARI: Class?

HUFF: And respect. No wait, just class. That’s it.

ARI: Yeah, that’s what we say over here at Playaboy, you can’t spell class without ass! That’s what you’re trying to say, right?

HUFF: It’s true, it’s true. Get yourself a pile of ass, put some C on top of it and snort that shit up, and there you go.  Get a mountain of women. I’ve heard stories of binders full of women, but I like pyramids, personally.

ARI: Huff, you’re a good man. I can’t believe you’re talking to us right now. This is like beyond our wildest dreams.

JOSH: It’s our dream come true.

HUFF: Well that’s sweet, but you caught me at an awkward moment. I got a bunny number one is cooking me dinner. Bunny number two is due on the way, so you got some good timing, so I respect that. Timing is everything, you know what I’m saying.

ARI: So, tell us about when you got started. How did it go, man? How was it launching your very first magazine? ‘Cause we’re about to launch our very first magazine in like three weeks, and I’m getting nervous.

HUFF: Well, yeah, you got a lot to be nervous about, kid.  There’s a lot of things that are in store for you that probably haven’t even occurred to you yet. I ain’t gonna ruin the surprise, but let’s just say you’re gonna need have a few lawyers on hand if you get my drift. There’s gonna be a few drunken, romantic misunderstandings, you know? There’s gonna be very hefty dry cleaning bill and few broken marriages. So, if you don’t give a shit about that like I don’t, you’re on the fast track to success.

JOSH: Got this in the bag….

HUFF: Well, I’ve tried putting a few of them in the bag and you need a special type for that sort of thing. It’s alright. But at the same time I can’t help feel that you whippersnappers are trying to ride up on my coattails up into the mountain of pussy that I have built with my blood, sweat, and tears.

ARI: No, man, we’re doing something totally different here. We’re all about the underground culture, the underground scene. You’re all about mainstream, and pop, and all that.  We snort glitter, you know.  You don’t even think of snorting glitter.

HUFF: All this mainstream shit that you’re talking about. Back in the day when I was putting it together, it was underground. Having premarital sex was unheard of. People were having suicides over love children. It was a different world then kid, and I helped shape it. Things you take for granted, I had to fight for every single day of my life. I had death threats. I had letter bombs. I had stalkers. I had angry husbands.  People been stabbin’ each other. People kidnapping. Shootin’ each other up. Crazier things. It was a crazy time, I tell ya. It was a fuckin’ war, a fuckin’ war, and I was the captain. A veritable General of the sexual revolution. And these days, it’s mainstream.

ARI: Well, I guess that’s just testament to, like, just how influential you’ve been, Huff, and that’s why we’re callin’ you, because like you said, you molded that sexual revolution. You’ve brought it along. Without you, there wouldn’t have been no Larry Flynt. There wouldn’t have been a Hustler. There wouldn’t have been a Penthouse. You laid the groundwork, and we’re just trying to come at you with mad respect, and get a few token words of advice in how we can forge ahead in this 21st Century and do sort of a similar thing here.

HUFF: Well, that touches my heart. Let’s see, what could the old Huff give a few kids for advice? First of all, never let the bunnies wear any clothes. I cannot stress that enough. Naked women are what makes it all happen. If your women are wearing too many clothes, you’re gonna fail.  It’s too much dead weight. It’s gonna sink your whole ship. Now, come to think of it, the men shouldn’t be wearing any clothes, either. If they’re gonna be wearing clothes, make sure you can hose them off.  You gotta paint that shit on. You get my drift?

JOSH: Gotcha.

HUFF: Write that down. Write it down or type it into your laptops that you got. Another piece of advice that I can tell ya. Let’s see here. The one problem I had the most, I think it was back in the 1970s, was running out of cocaine. Make sure you never, ever, and I mean ever, run out of cocaine. Speaking of, gimme a second here. I gotta, I gotta.

JOSH: You alright Huff? Hey, how you doing there?

HUFF: Oh, yeah, I’m alright.

JOSH: Oh, good.

HUFF: Huff just needs his medicine there. I wanna practice what I preach, if you get my drift.

JOSH: Gotcha. Hey, I got a question for ya. Tell me about the best blowjob of your entire life. You’ve been with a lot of ladies.

HUFF: Oh, the best blowjob of my life. That was fantastic.  First of all, the girl had her tongue split, and she had her front teeth removed, and she had her molars filed down and dulled. It was the craziest shit ever. She had to go to Thailand to get that shit done.  And she had each side of her split tongue pierced, and had those little latex, rubber, spiky balls all over it, so she could get your cock up in her mouth, wrap two tongues around it, and bubble you in the urethra with a spiky rubber ball all while humming the Star-Spangled Banner on the Fourth of July under the greatest fireworks display in the entire world on the island of Malta.

ARI: Oh, that’s just straight America right there, Huff.

HUFF: Yeah yeah, you gotta go to Malta to get real America these days. It’s kinda sad.  Outsourcing, you know.

ARI: Wow. That totally blows away any story I might even try to come up with. You’ve lived like beyond my dreams.

HUFF: You kids are just starting out. And you’re doing the right thing. I’m a little suspicious, but I still think you’re doing the right thing, and you keep putting that magazine together, and you turn the underground into the mainstream, and you too, can travel the world getting blowjobs from mutant hookers.

ARI: Well, thanks Huff.  This has been so informative, and beyond our expectations.

HUFF: I’m glad I could help you out. And you show a lot of promise, but in the meantime, I’m suing your ass.

ARI: You don’t need to sue us man. You don’t need to do that.

HUFF: You think that’s funny.

ARI: You don’t need to do that.

HUFF: You should see my lawyers. You’re gonna be shittin’ bricks when you see my army of lawyers.

ARI: I bet you got some Jew lawyers, don’t you.

HUFF: I got lawyers that are so Jewish, when they walk into a wall with an erection, they break their noses.

ARI:  Ahhh, that’s a good one… Well, you have fun with those bunnies today. I hope they make you up some good food.

HUFF: Alright, I will, I will. That’s her showing up right now. Come on in.  So I’m getting a little busy here gentleman, but I wish you the best of luck, and call me if you have any more questions about the biz.

ARI: We will. We’ll try to call you soon.

HUFF: Alright. Yeah, yeah. You do that.

ARI: Yeah, we’ll talk again.

JOSH: Thank you, king.

HUFF: Sweet dreams, gentleman.

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