Huffin Out 坏蛋!

April 3, 2013

Every once in a while, Josh the Terrible and Ari Lynn give a call to their rambling, unapologetic, older buddy, Huff, for some much needed avuncular words of wisdom.  In his own day, Huff ran several successful entertainment businesses and was intricately involved in the so-called sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s. From time to time, though, due to the endless amounts of drugs that Huff consumed over his life, he forgets who Josh the Terrible and Ari Lynn are. Hell, sometimes Huff doesn’t even know who he is.

Huff: Hello, you’ve reached The Huff.  What can I do for ya?

Ari: Hey, Huff, this is Ari Lynn and Josh the Terrible at The Burro Lifestyle Magazine. How you doing?

Huff: Oh, yeah, yeah, the Playa-boys.  I remember you. I remember your whole thing. How’s that working out for you so far?

Ari: How’s it working out, Josh?

Josh: We’ve been makin some magazine, meetin a lot of bitches, and all kind of fancy toys all up in our business.

Huff: No shit! It sounds like you, my friends, are doing the right thing, because that is not entirely dissimilar to where I was at around the time of my second publication.

Ari: Hey, so Huff, we thought we’d do something special for you today.

Huff: Oh, no shit?! Well, I’m just pleased as punch and flattered as roadkill.

Ari: So, yeah, last time we talked you had one of your bunnies coming over. So, we thought we’d introduce you to one of our friends.  Her name is 梅雪 [Mei Xue], and she wants to say something to you.

Huff: 梅雪?

梅雪: 你好, Huff, 新年快乐!

Huff: What’s that, honey, you speaking English?

Ari: She doesn’t speak English, man. You just have to listen. She just wants to say Happy New Year’s.

梅雪: 恭喜发财.

Huff: Oh, yeah….well, konichiwa to you, as well, my dear.

梅雪: 坏蛋! [Bad Egg!]

Huff: From far away lands. I hope I was correct.  Are you Japanese, honey?

Ari: She’s Chinese. Josh: Chinese, baby.

梅雪: 我是中国人

Huff: Chinese, you got one of them foreign whores. I thought that was illegal. But these days, who knows, you get what you can afford.

Ari: I don’t know that it’s illegal, man. We just met her recently.  She said that she was, you know, good with cleaning and cooking, and you can always use someone around to help out with things like that. Her whole family, apparently, works for you! In China!

Huff: For me?!?! Hold on, hold on. What’s her name again?

Ari: 梅雪. 艾梅雪.

Huff: Holy shit! You guys have went and hired my daughter! You dirty little punks! You hired my fucking daughter—the fruit of my loins.

Ari: How could we know?

Huff: You think I spent some drunken New Year’s over in China, drunk in public for you? That, my friends, is deeply offensive.  Not only is it racist, misogynistic, and deeply and personally offensive to me, but it is also controversial enough to sell some extra magazines.

Ari: There’s no way we could have known!

Josh: She walked in off the streets.

Ari: She was looking for work, and, you know…Holy smokes! Talk about a small world, Huff! This is crazy!

Huff: Yeah, yeah, the world gets smaller all the time.  The bigger your family gets, the more the walls keep squeezin’ in on ya.

Ari: That really makes you our uncle, now, sorta, doesn’t it? Or something.  We’re like really family now.

Huff: Hold on. Let me think about this for a minute, boys. Now, if you’ve got my daughter over there scrubbin your house for you, and I’m her father, then that makes you kinda like my son-in-laws.  Except you’re my son-in-laws who are on the pay to play contract in the old Huff family.

Ari: That’s right. Josh: You could say that.

Huff: Yeah, yeah. I think I’m okay with that.  It kind of makes you not too dissimilar to indentured servants of mine.

Josh: Is that a fact now?

Huff: Call it whatever you like, just send me the royalties, that all I’m saying.

Ari: We gotta send 梅雪 off.  She’s a busy lady. So, she just wants to say goodbye to I guess her daddy.  We never knew.  Say goodbye to 爸爸 [baba].

梅雪: 再见,爸爸.

Huff: You know, I haven’t seen that girl since she was three, but she sounds just as sweet. Who knew that life would take these twists and turns and lead her back to a fate like this in the hands of you boys.  I’m happy for ya.  I’m happy for you boys.  I mean, my sweet, loving, Chinese bastard daughter could not have ended up in nicer hands than you boys following in the old Huff’s footsteps.  It makes me proud.  It makes me swell with fucking joy! You know that?!

Ari: It’s very swell. Very swell indeed, Huff.

Huff: Mmmm-hmmmmm.  Yeah, we get pretty swollen these days around here, I’d say.

Ari: So, Huff, we’re working on a censorship issue.

Huff: Censorship, eh? I fucking hate censorship.  I was wondering when you were going to get to it.  I didn’t think you called me up just to flaunt my daughter in my face.

Ari: No, we didn’t.  Obviously, that was not our intent.  We had no idea that 梅雪 was your daughter.  It’s not like she’s 梅雪 Huff. You know? So, tell us, now censorship is a different deal. You can see pussy and tits and ass all over the internet, not like when you got started.

Huff: It’s true.  That’s the truth.  The nature of censorship has changed.  It’s like throwing a dog a bone. The Man still wants to censor every little thing that happens, watch every twitch of your eyeball, and palpitation of your heart when you watch deviant pornography, but you just let people have the porn, the cursing, the violence on the television, and they’re all like, “Hey, we can whatever we want.  Censorship is not an issue.” But real censorship, my friends, is happening not in the entertainment, but the streams of information.  You don’t even know what you’re not hearing about because you’re not fucking hearing about it. All caught up in those jiggly tits and those sweet Chinese asses, not really paying attention to—I don’t know, I don’t even know where to begin, honestly, and I don’t think we have the time for me to discuss all of the world’s infinite and serious problems—but I think I’m giving you the gist of the gravitas of the proposition I’m putting forth here, gentleman.

Ari: Yeah, I think we get the thrust of your message.

Huff: Oh we get pretty thrusty around here.

Josh: I have a question for you, Huff. What makes you sadder, censoring tits or ass?

Huff: Oh, geez, that’s a deep one right there.  That’s one for the ages. I’m gonna say…I’m gonna say…I’m gonna say that the censoring of asses makes me a little bit sadder than the censoring of asses, because whenever you censor the ass you censor a little bit of the pussy, too, and that just breaks my fucking heart.

Ari:  So, Huff, back when you got started was there censorship issues that you ran into?  I mean, you must not have had a very—I don’t know—welcoming sort of experience when you got started

Huff: That, my friends, is the under-statement of the century.  I had so many people trying to censor my humble gentleman’s magazine.  I was threatened with deaths.  I was shook down by the cops.  I had my publishing operation raided by the Feds, but the whole while, all the while, I stuck by the First Amendment, and it carried me through all the controversy, because I never manufactured pornography or obscenity. I published a cultured men’s magazine, which happened to appreciate some of the finer details of the female form, which it is undeniable, I’d say, absolutely exquisite in every way and can be appreciate without a bunch of pornographic undercurrents or perhaps elements of usury, per se.  But yes, everyone and their mother tried to fucking shut me down.  But you know how I got through it?

Ari: How’d you get through it?

Huff: Because I’m fucking rich and can buy my way out of anything.  That’s right. If you’re sitting on top of a big mountain of cash you can do anything you want.  Just ask O.J. Simpson.  You know what I mean? (COUGHING)

Ari: So, what you were just saying reminds me of Larry Flynt.  He wasn’t producing sorta this gentlemanly magazine like you were.  He was just going straight to the smut, but he had a mountain of cash, too.

Huff: The man is the first to admit that he is a peddler of filth and smut, and I appreciate his honesty in those concerns, but I do not read the magazine except for the cartoons, obviously.

Ari: He had that one cartoon with Jerry Falwell that got him in a whole lot of hot water, didn’t he?

Huff: Oh that was hilarious! You know why? You know why that caused so much controversy?  It’s because it was true.  They weren’t allowed to talk about it in the Courts and everything, but that’s what set him off.  That shit was straight up true.

Ari: You’re saying that Jerry Falwell lost his virginity to his mother in an outhouse, and that’s a true story?

Huff: Yes.  Ari: Holy shit.

Huff: Christian fundamentalists are freaks like that.  His mother played out the situation where she was like her leg was cramping and she needed his help. “Oh, little Jerry, come help your mother out in the outhouse.” And what she negotiated was his youthful innocence along with her patronism of that particular outhouse in order to sort of, yeah, take little Jerry’s virginity and scar him for life.  It’s tragic situation—the incest that happens in various outhouses in Christian fundamentalist properties—but it’s a fact of life, and the reason that cartoon had to go to the highest Court in the country is because that’s how big the censorship cabal is against the very nature of truth itself.

Ari: Well, what do you think about the intersection between censorship and repression? I mean, a Christian fundamentalist type of culture, they’re highly repressed, right? They’ve got all these drives that you and I have, Huff, right, and that Josh the Terrible definitely has. Josh: Definitely has!       Ari: But they try to bottle that shit up.  If I tried to bottle up all those drives, I would explode.

Huff: And often times they do.  It is not unusual for repressed religious types to literally explode.  Maybe not literally, but I’m sure you get my drift.  The major trick of religion is to cause people to repress themselves.  You censor the religion itself and compel people to police their own emotions and their own actions and associate their natural drives and impulses—which are perfectly healthy—with guilt and shame, and, of course the kicker, being tortured in an eternity of darkness of fire against your will.  There isn’t even time there.  Just pain and suffering at the hands of wicked, diabolical demons because God loves you that fucking much.

Ari: God’s a bastard, isn’t he?

Huff: People believe that shit, too.

Ari: So, what are you working on these days, Huff?

Huff: These days I’m working on a couple of different projects.  One of them is Susie.  One of them is Betty. One of them is Mary.  And I think, I think I have a Patricia around there, too.  She’s somewhere around the mansion. I lose girls all over this fucking mansion.

Josh: You’re a lucky man, Huff.

Huff: Have you ever been to my mansion, boys? Have you ever been to one of my parties?

Ari: No, you’ve got to have us over.

Josh: Never got an invite.

Huff: I have a three-story mansion, and Olympic-sized swimming pools. Sometimes people turn up dead, you know.  You sign a waiver before you come over. You know what I mean?

Josh: Sounds like a Thursday.

Huff: You do not seem amused by my waiver policy.

Ari: You’re serious, aren’t you? We sorta thought you were kidding!

Huff: There you go, there you go, you fucking hyenas.  Yuck it up! Yuck it up! I got plenty of places to bury you guys. Come to fucking party. You come to my fucking party.  You bring my illegitimate Chinese daughter and we’ll see where you end up.  Yeah, that’s right. I got lots of places to bury children like you around the old Huff mansion.

Ari: Well, as long as you don’t have any pigs, because I don’t like to associate with people that have a pig farm.  That’s my only rule.

Huff: No, no, no.  I don’t raise pigs.  I fuck people like pigs, I don’t raise them, ain’t that right baby? Well, gentleman, I believe I have some business to attend to. Have you got everything you need? Do you have any more questions for me?

Ari: No, no.  That’s perfect.  We just wanted to give you a call and say hi again.  We just like giving you a call once in a while because you’re sorta like an uncle, or a father-in-law, I suppose.

Huff: I am exactly like a father-in-law now that you’ve purchased my daughter the internet international human trafficking trade.

Ari: It wasn’t like that.

Huff: Thank you very much.  How many big coins did you pay for my daughter, huh?

Ari: We’re actually paying her a pretty decent wage.  How much we paying her, Josh?

Josh: I think it’s ten cents per day.

Ari: Ten cents per day, Josh says.  I gotta talk to him about this.

Huff: That’s pretty good. That’s pretty good. Gotta keep her in potstickers and rice, or whatever the fuck people eat over there.

Ari: Yeah, she likes fish.  So, we wanna do this again soon.  It’s been, what two to three months since we talked to you last, and I think we gotta do this again.

Huff: I’m not really keeping track of time, honestly.

Ari: People really enjoy our conversations with you, and they really like hearing what you say, so I think we need to do this more often.

Huff: Well, of course people like what I have to say! I’m a fucking god among men! I built an empire! You guys are like little tiny foothills riding up on the toes of my mountain! You know what I mean? You better love me! Your fans better love me, too, because if they don’t, I don’t know, I don’t know what is going to happen.  Hey, baby, what’s going to happen if these guys’ fans stop loving me? I don’t fucking know. I’ll keep talking to you.  I like what you’re doing.  You remind me of me, and that’s good.  I like that.

Ari: We’ll sign that waiver, and we’ll come on over to your party.

Huff: Yeah, yeah, yeah! You do that! You do that.

Ari: Okay, Huff, you have a good day, now. Thanks for your time, man.

Huff: Alright, gentlemen, I will talk to you in the future, and don’t forget that your old Uncle Huff is here for you, so reach out.

Josh: Thanks man.

 

 

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