Accessorizing with insecurity

July 10, 2013

I am an exotic dancer in Utah and I specify this because of the laws regarding what I do and they are apparently different than in most other states. For example Utah has a three foot law which means that customers cannot at any time touch me while I am on stage. My bar is also not a full nude bar which I hear is uncommon for strip clubs else where. I like this
dynamic. I’m more comfortable not getting fingered or doing lap dances and just sticking to the performance side of things. So to recap I don’t do any contact of any kind and the most naked I get is pasties and panties.

I also am engaged to an awesome person with whom I am very much in love with. I have been with him for four years now and have been dancing for the last year of that four. I make a point of being faithful to him because the dancing isn’t really about sex for me. Yes its a very sexual and sensual style of dance; that’s the job, but I am open about my status with people and for the most part they respect that. I also have open communication with him about what goes on and even down to little things like what I’m going to wear and such.

Which brings me to my question, he has been communicating a certain upset, uh discomfort, about my talking about buying accessories for the job. He has said that he knows it doesn’t make sense but that it is still happening and hes not quite sure how to handle it. I am wondering if there isn’t something I can do on my end to help him feel more comfortable with it. What do you think?

sincerely, Snow

Utah most certainly has different strip club rules than Portland.  I’ve never been to a strip club out here that didn’t allow/encourage full nudity.  There are even a few porn/toy shops where you can get a private dance (granted full nudity at those places can get a bit pricey).  So I’m glad that the rules in your state allow you the opportunity to work as a dancer without having to step out of your comfort zone.

It’s great that you and your partner are communicating openly, and I’m assuming that he is generally supportive of your chosen profession.  Feeling uncomfortable about what accessories you wear to work – especially if you’re just talking about them – makes me think he’s dealing with some intense insecurity issues.  However, the fact that he recognizes these awkward feelings and wants to move past them is a good sign.   If your partner is associating your dancing as an extension of your sexuality, it may help to involve him with your accessorizing.  Rather than just stating what you’re going to wear, try picking out a few items and then asking him to help you make the final decisions.  Allowing him to be a part of the decision making may help him feel more in control of the situation instead of simply feeling that it is out of his hands.

If that doesn’t work, I suggest that you just stop talking to him about your work outfits all together.  What you wear to work doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship so there’s no obligation to discuss it.  If you choose to go this route, have a talk with him and let him know that you will no longer be sharing your outfit choices with him out of respect for his feelings and because the topic is unrelated to the rest of your relationship.  Then reassure him that you will continue to have open communication with him outside of this topic, and that he is welcome to revisit the issue if/when he is ready.

It may also be a good idea to have special outfits that you wear only for him, and not on stage.  That way he gets his own sexy outfits, his own special strip teases, and he gets to be the only guy to experience the awesomeness of your lap dances (and then some!)  Sounds like a lucky guy to me.

The Missionary Position is a sex/relationship advice column. Questions are answered by Aje Summerly who is a sexuality enthusiast and consultant. To submit a question, email Aje at tmp@theburrozine.com.

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